It's been a rough week. Spending more time with friends and close ones in order to push away this pain but regardless, the times I am alone I have been drastically worn out, empty. I listen to the same soundtrack and my memory by association brings me back to that state of mind with the repeat of this melody. I'd appreciate numbness but I find myself looping the song because a part of me remains ardent, unwilling to let go, afraid of the realization that through time these emotions, no matter how intense they may be at the moment, will wither. Memories will fade, and I'm holding on, senselessly hoping for a realization that the vision I had in mind was what was best for the both of us before I inevitably and progressively let go.
I presented an ultimatum and the decision chosen was the one I feared most. Maybe I should have pushed harder, been more persuasive. I've asked for distance but I hadn't considered how much more it would have impacted me, how tempted I am to get back to the way things were, even if I would have to become ignorantly bliss again. I hope this catalyzes finally some emotion in what has been an utterly apathetic series of interactions but it may all have likely been for naught. Life goes on as normal faster for the one less entangled and this is a race I can foresee sorely losing.
Selfish? I've invested so much time and energy to have it all culminate in this wreckage. Of course this could be construed as a meaningful lesson or rather an act of charity of happiness towards myself during this period of time past. But nothing changes the reality of affairs to date. I guess I just keep trapping myself in my own delusions.
I need time.
I realize I need to stop having tunnel vision, and see the bigger picture but I'm stuck wondering, trying to pinpoint and identify all the mishaps of it all. I can't really articulate all that's going on or connect all the different thoughts I've had, and I don't want to dwell on it further, over-complicate an already overwhelmingly convoluted situation.
This was very emotional; how'd I manage to dig a hole that deep to jump in? These events keep being the source of my writer's inspiration but then again these notes are most true to the visceral nature deep within the human soul.