It seems more so the feeling that’s been consuming me most of all the different emotions I’ve been feeling in recent memory is that of overwhelm. To some degree, I feel I’ve lost my sense of self, my sense of understanding of life around me. Just until a couple months ago, I had such a firm grip on my own values, my convictions and now everything just feels shaky. I do have faith in myself in rebuilding and my own structures and processes in re-making sense of all things, to recalibrate what I now perceive balance to be based on all I’ve been taking in. Yet, I keep ingesting more than I can organize and process, an imbalance in and of itself. I wonder where it stems from, from a skewed work/life balance? Love/life balance? Perhaps the imbalance is rooted in how deeply I need to process things, or that I am taking in too much. I’m working on letting go, and yet I still have to remind myself to not veer off of that extreme and frolic down the path of childish naivety either.
This lack of internal homeostasis detracts from my peace of mind, and doesn’t do well for my ability to appreciate the present either. Each new article or headline brings with it a tinge of anxiety from the fact that it is adding to an already lengthy list of information to digest. Talks with friends feel less so like unloading and working through situations than taking on more, being that my internal sense of self is already so frazzled. I find myself being unable to muster my normal charisma and enthusiasm for my own life or theirs; I cannot take in any more than I am already doing now. The debt of unresolved issues I’ve accumulated is unforgiving and it seems as though each day the interest only compounds more and more.
I do recognize the selfishness in my need to temporarily push people and the world away in order to regain some intense sense of identity. At a time when there’s so much societal pressure to be active and take part in what you perceive as right, I find myself having to draw back even more. I do wonder if the world could benefit from more tolerance and trust in people to come to their own courses of action at the time they feel ready. But I also acknowledge readiness is subjective in both its definition and who deserves to determine when any individual is, and that sometimes people aren’t to be trusted on their internal sense of balance on matters of urgency and crucial timing. I am in full awareness of that with a wonky internal sense of balance myself.
I earnestly hope writing this will help me writhe a bit from the cast I’ve forced myself in, this sense of paralysis from my thoughts, ideas, and tasks that have melded together to produce the fog of overwhelm that has clouded my vision. I’ve been feeling so shut down; even jotting down these thoughts in a more cohesive format have helped bring back from deep slumber a part of me who tirelessly works to analyze and make sense of things that has run away because of the sensory overload.
I do feel guilt, and fear in setting my boundaries out of the lack of understanding in other people in that I need more time or perhaps resolution than what may be considered normal. Yet I have come to terms with the fact that it is a gradual but necessary step in figuring out the traits of myself that fuel this need, to shift these cogs to fit a working long-term operational model that lets me take in the day-to-day without incurring so much clutter. I will need to reflect on my intake from the world and on how I can cut down the sources to what I find fulfilling and meaningful. Regaining balance will be a balancing act in itself of being patient with myself in regaining my sense of inner peace and identity, and urging myself not to stew too much in it so as for it to mutate into a never-ending juggle of trying to make sense of a series of never-ending events in a world of chaos that will perpetually stay that way.