Damn, this sentimental struggle has stayed with me far longer than I would have liked it to have. Every morning waking up I find myself lethargic, but not physically enervated. I have to exert way too much effort to get up; my drive is lacking. I'm bombarded with tasks to finish, goals to achieve and yet I am held back. Is this a common problem occurring subtly but ubiquitously around me or am I unfortunate enough to have been one of the few souls victim to this neurotic instability?
How clear it must be to be one free of sentiment, to not be bogged down by these doubts, uncertainties. A mere consequence of emotional inadequacy, a lack of grip on control, I long with fervor for a remedy. Keeping myself busy is easy but it is merely another means of escapism; by inundating myself with tasks, anxiety about school, it only projects this dissatisfaction with the current affair of things onto a separate medium. Resolution of these issues strays far from achieving piece of mind.
But this lingering continues screaming at the back of my head in arbitrary times, arbitrary places. At dinner, I am haunted. At 3 am I am haunted. I leave campus, leave everything that reminds me of the impetus of this void but I am still haunted. Maybe what I do need is a full disconnect, at least until I can get grounded with reality, be able to see from a wider perspective. Yet if I go about this route I fall down the path of selfishness for I disrupt the natural order of things, the superficial fabric of the situation so close to ripping, that so far has kept our bonds intact.
This inconsistency between the outside and the inside is tearing me apart. How sad nature must be to have driven in humanity the potential for unreciprocated yearning, to have made it possible for the scales to be tipped so out of balance. Regardless with this burden I can only allow for time and time alone to repair all that has been damaged and shattered and work step-by-step towards regaining internal serenity.
Nonetheless, under this mess of confusion and frustration I am grateful for this sad excuse of a problem, for it is these emotions that remind me every day that in this cutthroat society, I have yet to lose my own humanity.